Parents who are used to phone calls from school about their child- calls telling them how their child is constantly causing trouble in class, isn’t learning and is disrespectful- suddenly start getting calls and emails telling them how awesome their kid is. They hear that M. did really well on the computer today. We don’t mention that M. ran up and down the hall or didn’t listen to the teacher or…Well, why should we? The parents hear that every day. We think it’s time to give them feedback about what is great about their child.
C. was thrown out of class every day. She joined our program mid-year. When her mom came to pick her up, she was making loads of noise in the room. Quickly her mom said to her”you need to be quiet.” She knew already that her noise was not acceptable in school. But I said, “So sorry about the noise but this is a really noisy space. We generally suggest that for parents who don’t like noise, this is probably not a good space.” And boy did that parent smile and C. looked up in amazement!
Everything is backwards. We want to turn things around for kids, so we need to turn around our reactions to kids. When we have parents who receive daily reports about their child’s terrible class work and behavior, the parents are beside themselves. The school wants them to “do something” but they really don’t know what to do. The parents are not in school with the child and have no way to make sure they are behaving there. In most cases the parents are grappling with similar issues at home. So we turn things around by reporting only the good. Every day we have something great to say about their child who is kind, an excellent runner, tech smart, or had a brilliant idea. Pretty soon the parents are relaxed when they come to get their child. They anticipate “good news.” The kids love when we talk to their parents because they know they will be complimented. Then, the parents start coming in and complimenting their wonderful, talented child. The child is proud and begins to think about himself or herself differently. “I am talented, smart, a leader, a doer, a sports star…” And then this child, who at this young age was already feeling like a failure, suddenly is a great success. Maybe the child is still not doing homework and is getting thrown out of class, but those are merely problems, not the child’s identity. Because his is teaching 3-D printing in our program and you need to be smart to do that. Or making a great film and that takes creativity. Or leading a club or excelling at sports or…
And what else changes? Grown ups are not mad at him. In the beginning, when a child who is used to getting in trouble, does something outrageous, she will ask, “Are you mad at me?” I always say “No. I am not mad.” She may have to repair what she broke or clean up her mess, but I am not mad. After a while, I am able to ask, “Am I ever mad at you?” And she says “No, you aren’t.” So I say, “Why do you ask?” “Because that is what I am used to.” she says. And then, she stops asking that question because she already knows that we are not mad at her. As a matter of fact she knows we really like her.
I have seen this happen again and again. And once the child feels liked and the parents feel relaxed, change happens. The child gains confidence and knows he is a learner, knows he is a success. Dealing with difficult homework is no longer crushing. It is just the more difficult part of the day. We are a team- teacher, parent and child – focusing together on success.
ChildrenCan 